I like reading my past xanga entries from time to time and just see my ‘evolution’ through the years.   What’s interesting to me is that, I seem to just always be going through a cycle, which makes me wonder if I am actually evolving.  I seem to go through the same things in life.  I’m happy , then I’m sad.  I feel empty, and then angry.  And then, the cycIe starts again.  I want to say that I’m happy right now and vibrant (which is very true), but at the same time, I cannot deny that I have not felt those other feelings since then either (sadness, anger, etc.).  So what does it mean that if I’m going through life in the same cycle every time?  I can look at it, and say that after all these years, I actually have not evolved.  I am the same person, and will remain to be the same person.  (Sounds morbid.)  I can also think of it in a way (positively), that I may be going through the same cycle, but there is comfort in knowing that regardless  of how badly I may feel at one point in my life, I know that at some point, it will all come around, and I will be okay again. 

Rachel and I had a discussion sometime ago, and I was telling her something similar about the whole life cycle.  It’s interesting to me how when I just look at specific points in my life, I feel like I’ve grown so much, and how I’m a completely different person from who I was in the past (most noted:  being very religious, and then now, not).  But what’s most interesting is that though there were big events in my life that were different from one another, how I handled those situations still all had subtle similarities.  I am probably not making sense because I am just doing freeflow thoughts, but in my head, it all makes sense. Lol…

So what do I love about life right now?  Definitely not the pressures and anxiety brought upon by school (and myself).  But right now, I love that I am thinking again and reflecting.   I was just reading one of my entries about feeling empty.  I remember those times (and if the cycle holds true, I will probably experience it again).  I remember how awful it felt to just exist.  It is worse than feeling passionately angry about something.  But I am happy that I am meeting different people who make me think.  I think my spiritual self is being enriched, which I have been lacking for so long ever since I decided that church wasn’t for me.  Speaking of which, my mom just told me right now that she was heading to church.  Interesting.  She has not gone to church in a while.  I’m reflecting and she’s going to church.  A shift is occurring.  I sense it.  And it’s good. :)

You know, I just thought, I think I am growing, just maybe in a slower rate than everyone else. Lol.  I think I may be going through the cycle over and over, but every time, the moments of sadness and emptiness and anger become shorter.  I seem to handle them better than in the past, so I guess I am learning and evolving. Yay!  But, I still have a new challenge in my life:  break free from this cycle!

I found this quote that I posted back in… omg, November 16, 2003, which was also a Sunday! That's today, 5 years ago! Wow, weird, funny coincidence.  Or is it?  It’s the cycle, I tell you.  Well, I read it, and I agree with it again, so I am reposting the quote. 

You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.
~J.Krishnamurti

With a Filipino accent, that would be "half-angry," which can also describe how I feel today.  But my feelings right now are happy and angry at the same time -- hap-angry.

Today, I did laundry, washed my car (did it myself!), prepared our team's diagnostic plan, photocopied therapy materials, and studied a little bit on voice disorders.  I am so happy that I accomplished all of these things.  My car was beyond recognition.  It was so dirty I almost wanted to take the bus just so that I wouldn't be seen driving it.  I had a month's worth of dirty clothes and I was running out of professional clothes for clinic. 

Anyway, so I am happy that I did all that, but I'm also angry because it just goes to show that I am capable of accomplishing things, but why the hell can I never push myself enough times to be as productive today.  I'm so sick of doing things at the last minute and stressing over stuff that I don't need to stress about if I just prepared sooner.  Sigh... It seems that I can only do things when it gets sooo bad, like my dirty-ass car. 

Well anyway, this is a vent-blog day.  I don't really want to ruin the happiness run because for those of you who know me, this is quite a feat.  I just need to find a way to let the motivation carry-over on other days too.

I do have to say that the weather was perfect today.  It was overcast, but it wasn't too cold.  Maybe that's what I need to do work.  Overcast weather. :)